THE RELATIONSHIPS OF BISEXUAL PEOPLE

When we consider the relationships of bisexual people, the focus is not on how they feel in isolation or how they might self-identify; rather, it is on how a bisexual person relates to another person. Immediately, the dichotomous categories present themselves. If our bisexual woman begins an affectional/sexual relationship with a man, others typically perceive it as a heterosexual relationship. If that same woman is involved in a similar relationship with another woman, it is described as a lesbian relationship. The same is true for men. If a man becomes involved with a woman, it is considered a heterosexual relationship, and if with another man, the relationship is labeled gay. What, then, is a bisexual relationship? A bisexual relationship is any relationship in which at least one of the parties is bisexual. Even though it may look to the outside world like a heterosexual or a gay/lesbian relationship, it is not.

Why does it matter? Perhaps a person is bisexual only in the absence of a relationship. Or maybe a person is bisexual when dating a variety of people. But, what happens when that person makes a commitment to a life partner to be in a monogamous1 relationship? Is that person still bisexual? Is the relationship still a bisexual one?

MONOGAMY

To be truly invisible is to be a bisexual person in a monogamous relationship. Once the choice of a partner has been made, friends, family members, and acquaintances may assume that now the individual has “decided” and acknowledged his or her true identity. This is especially true if the relationship is sealed with a wedding or a commitment ceremony. Of course, each person must be free to self-identify, and some who make such commitments may choose to identify with their chosen partner as either heterosexual or gay/lesbian. However, many who choose a committed relationship will still identify as bisexual, even if they share that identity only selectively.

One of the myths about bisexuals is that they cannot be monogamous. Rust (1996) found that 16.4% of bisexual respondents were in monogamous relationships, compared to 28% of lesbian and gay respondents. Rust further found that 29.5% of bisexual women and 15.4 % of bisexual men in her study indicated that ideally they would like to have a lifetime committed monogamous relationship with one partner. While more than 70% of the bisexual people in her study did not desire monogamous relationships, Rust maintains, “Monogamy might be less popular among bisexuals than among lesbians and gay men, but it is certainly a realistic option” Though many bisexual relationships may have less of an emphasis on monogamy, this does not necessarily mean that the individuals involved are “cheating” on their partners. Frequently people in bisexual relationships have come to an understanding about the meaning of fidelity that allows for relationships outside of their primary union.

POLYAMORY

In addressing the cultural idealization of monogamy, Rust (1996) points out that it is “based on the assumption that the monogamous relationship should fulfill all the partner’s sexual and romantic needs and the greater part of their emotional needs” (p. 131). She observes that some people of all orientations have found that they need more than one person in their lives to meet these needs. To describe a relationship that is not exclusive in the traditional sense of monogamy, Rust uses the positive term polyamory rather than the more negative nonmonogamy. Why are many bisexual people polyamorous? Like some heterosexual and some gay/lesbian people, some bisexual people acknowledge that one partner cannot meet all of their sexual, emotional, and romantic needs. For others, it is specifically because they are bisexual. Because they are attracted to both men and women, they find that the differences between men and women are so significant that they cannot be happy relating intimately with just one or the other. They must have both kinds of relationships in their lives. Polyamorous relationships must be defined by the people involved in them. Good communication is essential. This is one place where a counselor can be very helpful to a couple. The two people involved in the relationship must be honest about their needs and their vision of the primary relationship, as well as other relationships that might be formed. The couple must agree on what will be retained exclusively for the primary relationship and what other relationships may involve.

SERIAL MONOGAMY AND MULTIPLE PARTNERS

Bisexual relationships are even more varied than monogamous or polyamorous. Other common forms are serial monogamy and multiple partners (threesomes or more). The bisexual person who engages in serial monogamy may not even have an awareness of himself or herself as bisexual when a commitment to an original partner is made. Sometimes it happens that during the course of a relationship, one becomes aware of attractions to persons of the other sex. For many this may be an awareness of same-sex attractedness during a heterosexual marriage. Awareness that one is attracted to members of the same sex does not have to translate into any change in the committed relationship. A married heterosexual person may become attracted to another person of the opposite sex during the course of his or her marriage. In fact, it is almost certain to happen at some point. However, this does not mean that he or she must act upon that attraction. When a person who is heterosexually married finds himself or herself attracted to someone of the same sex, it may result in nothing more than a personal insight that helps the individual understand himself or herself better. Or it may result in a new sexual identity, a renaming of oneself as bisexual, gay, or lesbian. If the original heterosexual relationship ends and one partner becomes involved in a relationship with a person of the same sex, it could be a case of bisexuality as a transition from a heterosexual identity to a lesbian or gay identity. However, for others, leaving a heterosexual marriage and becoming involved with a partner of the same sex is not a choice of identity as gay or lesbian but rather an awakening to one’s bisexuality and a desire to explore another side of oneself. If the second long-term relationship is with a person of the same sex, then the expression of bisexuality may be serial monogamy. This means that while in a relationship, the person is monogamous, regardless of the sex of the mate. When not partnered, however, the individual may date men and/or women. Another possible relationship type for some bisexual people is the multiplepartner relationship, or threesome. A woman might live with her husband and her female lover. All three people might or might not be sexually involved with each other. The number might be more than three, but in these types of relationships each member is equal and is considered a primary member of the relationship.

OTHER RELATIONSHIP ISSUES

As described, relationships of bisexual people can become very complicated (as can the relationships of heterosexual or gay/lesbian people), but even the most uncomplicated monogamous relationships are affected by the fact that a person is bisexual. The bisexual individual must decide whether or not to share his or her identity with the partner. This can be a difficult decision because of the stereotypes associated with bisexuality. Upon learning of a loved one’s bisexual identity, the partner or prospective partner may feel that a committed monogamous relationship is impossible and therefore may want to end the marriage or involvement. Once the couple works out an understanding of bisexuality within their relationship, there is still the daily decision of whether to come out to others. This decision must be made with the knowledge that he or she would likely face intolerance and discrimination. Such a response is very similar to what gay and lesbian people experience. However, gay and lesbian people often have access to a supportive gay and lesbian community. Bisexual communities are not as readily accessible and visible. It is also true that some heterosexual and some gay and lesbian people alike view bisexual people with suspicion. They may believe that bisexual people are not being honest about their sexual identity, are trying to have the “best of both worlds,” or are out to steal their partners. As a result, bisexual individuals may be more “out” or less so about their personal identity, depending upon the company in which they find themselves. Previous relationship histories can inform and complicate the current relationship for a bisexual person. The divorce rate for first marriages in the United States is approximately 50 percent. As a society we have become used to dealing with ex-spouses, and there is even some protocol for it. However, the ways in which former same-sex partners relate to one another are less well known. There is some evidence, particularly among lesbians, that ex-partners frequently remain very close friends (Becker, 1988).

In our heterosexist society, it often takes a very tolerant and understanding partner to deal with a bisexual mate. There may be fallout from former partners who not only feel hurt that the relationship ended but also feel betrayed that their former mate has “turned” gay or lesbian or straight. This may be especially true if the issue of bisexuality was never discussed.

At the other end of the spectrum, but equally difficult for some new partners to deal with, is the potential for a continued positive relationship between the members of the former couple. A bisexual person is somewhere in the middle of the sexuality scale, capable of receiving sexual, emotional, and romantic gratification from both men and women. Therefore, maintaining vestiges of former relationships while moving on to a new primary relationship may be the most completely satisfying way of relating to both the old partner and the new one. Another major issue in bisexual relationships is the threat of HIV/AIDS. Stokes, Taywaditep, Vanable, and McKirnan (1996) found that about a quarter of the men in their study engaged in unprotected intercourse with both men and women, exposing themselves and their partners to risk. A result of the AIDS pandemic has been less promiscuous sex and increased monogamy among the bisexual population (Klein, 1993). However, since some bisexual people do not share their sexual identity with their partners or spouses, the assumption that a partner is monogamous and/or exclusively heterosexual increases the risk for the uninformed partner.

Communication, of course, is key to any successful relationship. There is no real model for a successful bisexual relationship. In order for needs and expectations to be met, they must be clearly and repeatedly delineated and discussed by all involved. Otherwise, great opportunity exists for misunderstanding and disappointment. Relationship counseling can be very helpful in this regard, but it is imperative that social workers be familiar with different sexual orientations and preferences, and nonjudgmental about a variety of relationships.